Marathon Mind

Marathon training is far harder than I thought it would be. I mean, obviously it would be physically demanding. I've been eating like a teenage boy with worms for months now. I'm tired. I'm sore. I've had all sorts of little injuries. But I had no idea that it would be a massive mental challenge.
A few weeks ago, I compared the miles in my training plan (oh yes, one MUST have a training plan) to that of some gals who will be running the same race. Their mileage was waaayyy more than mine in May! And so I freaked, and made the cardinal error of increasing my miles and ignoring my training plan. And as any coach would have predicted, I crashed, and absolutely fell apart.
2 weeks ago, I went out for a planned 20 mile run. At the 14 mile point, I felt like I'd been going pretty fast, but I had taken about 20-30 mins longer than I ever had to complete that distance. I was exhausted; I was miserable. So I accepted failure and walked 4 miles back to the car. :-(
All the previous week, I'd been tired but couldn't sleep. I had lost my appetite, and had a stomach ache all day, every day. I was hating running. Actually, I was CURSING running.
Then last weekend, I just skipped my long run. (FYI, this is something I am terrified to do. You cannot cram for a marathon! If you don't train, you will pay dearly in injuries and agony on the day.) Skipped it anyway.
Then, I got horribly depressed and discouraged. I was a failure. I am a failure. I always will be a failure. I get that a marathon is huge, but I've never heard of anyone who started training for one, and then bailed. Guess I win Biggest Loser this year. I can now run a half marathon anytime with no more prep than a big meal, water in my CamelBack, and plenty of snacks in my pockets. I can do it hungover. Intellectually, I get that is amazing, that I am insanely fit, strong and capable, but ...uggghhhhh, if I can't do a full marathon, what use am I? I suck to the nth degree.

I set yesterday's run as my decision point: if it was beyond horrible, I'd get a grip, and run my best half marathon ever. But if it was anything better than that, I'd carry on, push on through, and finish the full 26.2 miles on June 27.
So now I am thrilled that I ran with my greatest supporters, Sue and Carol, and that I bought Magic Pants. I am sooooooooo pleased that I did 20 miles, and it was FABULOUS. And I'm into the Taper Phase of my training - I get to take it easier for the next 4 weeks, to prepare for race day.
The champagne at the finish line is going to be the sweetest, most-deserved quaff I've EVER had.