No Joke

Mackenzie peed on me. On my leg. On my foot. I. Am. Not. Kidding.

We were walking this morning, and I was chatting with Jill. Macdog was on his leash. No biggie. Suddenly there was a slightly warm, wet sensation. ACK! Seems he'd lifted his leg, I wasn't watching, and walked right into the stream. He didn't give a crap. Didn't even notice. Looked a bit puzzled by my yelling and shaking the offended leg.

On an unrelated note, I am going backpacking tomorrow, and will be off grid for 7 days.

Dude. Litres are litres.

I wheeled into Trinidad, California tonight.
At the gas stations in Cali, you need to prepay for gas, but you have to punch in your zip code, which obviously I do not have, so I always go in.
Gas Jockey:  how much gas do you need?
Me: I dunno. I'm gonna fill it.
GJ:  I have to put down a max amount.
Me:  I'm not sure. I think in litres, not gallons. I'll need about 50 litres. How many gallons is that?
GJ:  Well, are your Canadian litres Imperial or Standard?
Me: Dude. Litres are litres.
GJ:  Oh yah, I was thinking about pints... 16 ounces or 20 ounces.
Me:  Umm, 40 bucks? Thanks.
[I pump my gas and come back inside.]
Me:  the sign on the highway says there's lodging in Trinidad?
GJ  [really animated]:  Oh yah! I've got a flyer for a place in my van!
Me [raised eyebrows]:  ummm, wow, that sounds kinda sketchy
GJ:  well, I wasn't gonna go get the flyer out of my van
[I start laughing]
GJ:  oh no, it's awesome. The food is great and there are cabins and free wifi. And there will be a reggae band playing. It'll be the hotspot in Trinidad tonight.
Me:  hmmm
GJ:  oh oops. Reggae is tomorrow. Monday.

So that's right. I'm at that place. It's a dive. But the room was cheap, the wifi free, the shower hot, the fish tacos are tasty, the margarita strong, and I ate some really spicy grilled melon. Yummy.

Canuck Word of the Week!

oh yes, look at me, highly motivated and excited, and throwing out another gem of educative, uuhhmmm, education for our lovely Yankee neighbours! (Hey, Aussie readers, this can absolutely apply to you too. Drop me a note to let me know if you're picking up what I'm putting down..)

barley sandwich  (pronounced barley sandwich) - slang term for a beer
eg. think I'll just have a barley sandwich for lunch. Bartender, beer me, please!

Canuck Word of the "Week"

ok, obviously I have ZERO sense of time, since it has been about 6 or 8 months since I last attemped to educate our wonderful friends south of the border.
No matter!

here it comes:
GIV'ER  (pronounced gi VUR) - meaning 'go for it' or 'bring it on'
example of common use:  "Hey dude, should I take this huge jump??"  "Yup, giv'er."

I love it!

I was at a head shop today, and it was Bong Wednesday. All bongs 20% off.
I love capitalism!

I recognised the owner from his other job: flight attendant for Air Canada.
I love small towns!

A Miracle!!

I stopped for a day of skiing at Powder King. Usually, PK can be counted on to have the best snow in BC (shhhh, don't tell anybody!), but it had not snowed in ages. BOO  :(

The conditions were so poor that a Modern Day Miracle happened:   Uncle Leo put on his skins and walked 3 days in a row. I was lucky enough to catch the spectacle on film!

Uncle Leo putting on skins!

Rex

she who breaks trail gets the best photos

omg, he is walking. The sled is no where to be seen!!!

Scott obviously cannot believe it either. He needed a beer to calm his nerves.

smarty pants blogger

Driving South?

I've been having all sort of adventures of late....I've been at my parents' house in Whitehorse, Yukon for Christmas. I've been thinking of leaving for days and days, but the weather down south has been cold, so hadn't tried. Finally, on Saturday, I started driving back south. I made it 400 km, and then something funky happened to my car! It kinda lost power (intermittently though), then a puff of smoke went out the back, and the 'check engine' light came on. I stopped and had a look, but could see nothing, except a bit of smoke coming out of the tailpipe? I drove a bit more, then pulled over to talk to a big rig tow truck driver who was working on the side of the road. You see, up north there is super-patchy cell phone coverage and it was #$*%ing cold, so I had to drive my car somewhere, or else just choose to freeze.

Along the road, I had passed a little old Jetta a couple times, and he passed me again while I was stopped looking at my car. So while I was chatting with the tow truck driver, he came back. How lovely! Turned out he felt guilty after going a couple km's so thought he better come back and check on me. He checked under the hood, then followed me to the nearest community. There, he pulled out his multi-meter, and determined I had no obvious problem, except that my check engine light was still on. He was actually a mechanic, heading south for apprentice training! Siiigghhhh, my Knight in Dirty Carhartts....

I called my Subaru guy and he decided that I probably had just gotten some bad gas, and my car should be fine.

But as it was over 500 km to the next community heading south, but only 450 km back to mom's house (and the nearest Subie dealer), and it was -45 C, I decided to turn around. I mean, to head through 500 km of wilderness in frigid temps with anything other than optimum car conditions, you really deserve anything bad that might happen.... What is the Road god called? The road version of Ullr? He would be totally annoyed and smote you with any sort of misfortune.

I stopped at the Subie dealer her in Whitehorse this morning, and they confirmed that it seems to have been a one-time episode, likely bad gas, or seperated water from fuel, or possibly -45 C gremlins? Anyway, the computer said all was well, and my car runs like a top.

My plan is to try again tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

_____________________

btw, usually when I'm driving, I stop for a quick piddle in the ditch then get rolling asap, but there was too much traffic on Saturday! Ugggh, so I was forced to use a biffy. It was incredible, so I had to take a pic to show!

Home for the Holidays, Day 1

omg, my parents are getting old. Today, Dad got out of his twice-weekly shower and said he'd forgotten to take his socks off. Mom thought that was good, but that it was too bad he didn't leave his underwear on too. I hope she was kidding.

Wardrobe Error

Travelling in a van without a full length mirror, I think it's understandable that I might get a bit casj with my wardrobe. It was pretty warm for a few days, so when I pulled into Idaho Falls, ID I was wearing a tank top (with bra - hello!), flips and very short surfer-girl shorts. Perhaps a bit too short, but hey, did I mention I ran a marathon????? I get to show these dang legs OFF!

Anyway, I headed into Wendy's to get a coffee and lunch and you should have seen the looks I got. The place was full of women, possibly the chubbiest and frumpiest on the planet, and they looked at me like, "JEZEBEL!! HARLOT!!" I really thought they might pelt me with French Fries, oh I mean Freedom Fries.

I ordered a coffee, but the guy said they didn't usually make it at that time of day. (noon? Seriously?)

It took till halfway through my diet coke for my light bulb to come on! omg, Mormons!!!! Seems it's ok to have thighs 4 times bigger than mine, as long as they keep them covered with a pleated potato sack.

note to self: I must have caffeine earlier in the day, so I am better prepared to deal with life's surprises

Babysitting

Most of my friends don't leave me alone with their kids, unless they are desperate...or slightly medicated. And when I am left with their charges, the bar is set low - just keep the little darlings alive.

Yesterday, I was shopping Glanville and her 2 sweetie-pie kids, and we were about to leave the outlet mall. I grabbed a coffee and a bottle of discount wine while she got the kids in their car seats. She was like, "What??? Half price wine? Hang on, stay with the kids, I gotta get some!" (She was apparently in the desperate category...)

So 2 minutes after she left, Fletcher, aged 3, said, "I have to pee."
Could he wait? No, of course not. He's 3.
I didn't know what to do, since I didn't want to get Baby Banksy out of her car seat, but I couldn't leave her alone and take Fletch, and I couldn't send him alone to find his mom in the wine store...

Flash of brilliance!!

"Fletch, you can pee on the tire! MEN pee on tires!"
So I got him out of his car seat, he whipped down his pants, and started peeing, but it was falling short. "Fletch, you're not getting the tire. You gotta pee on the tire!"
So that little bugger, natural as anything, arched his back and flexed his wee bum, and got the pee right to the dead middle of the wheel!! WHOO HOO!

"Hey Fletch, what are you gonna tell your dad tonight?"
"That I peed on the tire of the van."
"That's right. Good job."

Life skills no extra charge with my babysitting services.

Conversation Starter

I'm staying with Glanville and family in Lincoln City, and found the above in a catalogue here. What sort of conversation would you start with this guy?
"Are all your family members pedophiles too?"
"Did they take the strait jacket off just today ?"

Notice it's adjustable...for all sorts of head sizes.
All this fun for $5.95. A bargoon!

Update: next day

I obviously need to focus my skills from The Secret in a more useful way, because wouldja lookit what I found in Newport, OR!!! Oh wow, the conversations that were started in the seafood fry-up restaurant where I had the Captain's Platter... OK, actually, mostly I heard people all over the restaurant saying things like, "Huh, is that a hamburger on her head?"

Party in USA

On July 2, we celebrated both Canada Day and the 4th of July* by attending a White Trash Party in Santa Barbara, California. So I summoned my Inner Albertan, and dug out a short denim dress, trucker hat, and A LOT of blue eyeshadow.

You've got enough bronzer if your face looks a bit dirty

It was pretty fun. The host served American beer, cheap tequila and corn dogs. YUM-O! The serious downside though, was that everyone looked so awful, there appeared to be no one we would ever want to have a conversation with.

Posing with road kill

Some of the costumes were, ummm, amazing. The guys wore a lot of camo, mullet wigs, and trucker hats. And several of the gals were pregnant with black eyes, short skirts and bad attitudes. The best costume, by far, was the gal who came as Tonya Harding - complete with figure skates, skating dress, gold medal and a baseball bat!

Sasha reckons she's found her baby daddy - the eyes match!

* (did you know they do NOT refer to it as Independence Day? Don't make the same mistake I did. You cannot be cool White Trash if you call it that....helllloooooooo, loser.)

First Aid with Boys

Adam in his dirt-biking gear. But don't let this sweet face fool you!

I spent last week staying with my old university friend, Sandra, and her family.

We were riding around in her brand new van, and Adam (8) and his brother Robert (10) were in the back seat. Of course, they were goofing around/fighting, and I turned around to notice Adam's nose dripping blood. And of course, because he's 8, he had a huge smile on his face.

So the first panic was, "AAAAHHHHH! Don't get blood on the new van!!"
Young boys are pretty industrious, so Adam took off his sock to use to staunch the flow. Then he started complaining, "Ewwww, it stinks."
My comment: "If you can smell your sock, you're not pinching your nose properly. Pinch it harder!"
I then called him Sock Booger for the rest of my stay. He loved me.

A Cow Story

Yesterday, I ran 20 miles. (The longest run of my life. 4 weeks till the race.) At about the 14 mile mark, we came across some cows on a hill. As soon as they saw us, they started running away. I started shouting at the cows, "Oh #*!$ you! You're just running to show that you can go faster than us. #*!$ you cows!"
[You run 14 miles, and see if you don't shout at anything and everything - except your running partners.]
So one of them stopped, and turned to face us. Uh oh. Then 3 more stopped, stood their ground, and stared at us, with menace in their eyes. I expected, "Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me?!" Next it would be like The Matrix, and one would lift a hoof, to beckon me forward to a kung-fu duel! Yikes, scary!
We managed to get away without anything getting worse, but still expecting a bovine ambush, probably with 3 bottles on their hooves, like in Warriors. "Run-ners, come out and pla-aaay."
[all the oxygenated blood in my body is in my legs at that point. I got NUTHIN in my brain.]

At the end of the run, we were having a picnic in the shade, and I was laughing about telling the cows to #*!$ off. I looked up on the hill, and saw more were RUNNING down the hill, toward us. OK, I have learned my lesson. I will not swear at cows anymore! I am gonna get my ass whooped!

Mom Story

When my mom was working in Fort Simpson, NWT in the 60s, the kids had helmets for hockey, but she knew they were too cool to wear them. So, one day a kid came into her clinic, needing stitches. She asked if he'd worn his helmet, and of course he said no. So she figured if he was tough enough not to wear a helmet, he was tough enough not to get anaesthetic for his stitches. From then on, the kids were smart enough to lie.

Public Safety

Here's a funny story for you:
I went to the hospital for a chest x-ray today, and while I was waiting, a kid (I'd guess 15?) and his mom came in. I noticed he had a graze on his elbow and it was really swollen.
him to his Mom: I bet the x-ray will show 2 hairline cracks
me: were you skateboarding?
his mom: ha! See???
him: no, I was riding my bmx. At the skateboard park.
me: were you wearing a helmet?
his mom: HA! see? (and to me): thank you!
him: well, no
me: come over here so I can kick your ass
He got up, came over to me, and presented his ass. I KICKED IT!
his mom: HA! See? Thank you!

I then proceeded to tell him a bunch of stories about ski patrolling and nasty head injuries and wearing helmets. He was really polite and attentive, but I don`t know if I swayed him.

Spring Silliness

I'm staying at my aunt's apartment in Wales again, living it up with the over80 set.
Today is the first day of spring, or so it seems, with gorgeous weather, blooming hyacinths, and an air of fun. After lunch today, I went outside to enjoy a cup of coffee with one of my fave ladies here. Not long passed before we had another couple ladies. And that of course attracted Norbert, the local 80+ Don Juan, with a bottle of wine and a fistful of glasses. Nothing makes Norbert happier than sitting and chatting with a bunch of gals!

After a second bottle and many, many giggles in the sun, I came inside and found a link emailed from a helpful friend:
http://www.go-girl.com/
It's for a female urination device, so you don't need to sit.

Here's the response I sent back to her:
very funny.... think I'll have to try one out sometime! Thing is, often if there's nowhere to sit, there may be nowhere to wash your...ummmm...cup. Dont want to drag pee-covered cup in backpack. yuck.

This inspires a haiku:
GoGirl, life's standing up
Handy Standy in a pinch
Touch nothing dirty, GoGirl

Relief! No need touch.
Alas! Where to rinse her?
Pee spilled in backpack.

Why yes, I have been drinking wine outside on the patio with the over80 set..... First day of spring!
P.S. it's my blog, and I can post bad poetry if I want to!

Clear and Concise

Went up to Sun Peaks Mountain last night to meet my old pal Gary. WOW, I didn't realise that Gary was racing in a World Cup speed skiing event, so last night I was partying it up with the fastest men in the world!!
Had a funny convo with one of the old rogue speed skiers:
He could not understand why I'm single, as I'm pretty, a good skier, etc. etc. (can't take compliments from Old Dog Man Whores too personally, but nice of him to say....) I said, "Well, I travel a lot, and most guys want someone who'll be home and cook them dinner every night. Oh yah, and I'm kind of a dink."
He found that very funny, but totally logical :)

Canuck WOTW: bargoon

While I was in Utah, I was skiing with a big ole group of Americans. Of course, I revelled in my being the "Toquen Canuck", and started educating them on specially Canadian words. They love it, obviously, so want to continue their education. (Alright, one of them requested continued tutelage on Canuckisms.)

So here's the recap:

toque - a warm winter hat
Fuckin Eh - agree wholeheartedly. Can also be used sarcastically.
poutine - a delicacy of fries, covered in cheese curd, covered in gravy. Many thanks to the Quebecois for the increase in heart attacks throughout Canada...

And here's this week's word:
bargoon (bar GOON) slang a bargain
eg. Whoa! Excellent bargoons at Wal-Mart today. They got a sale on mac jackets and toques!

I will attempt to have a new Canuck WOTW each week, barring excessive travel, excessive drinking or excessive exercise.... Or just plain-old forgetting.

I have a whole book on Canadian words, so am nowhere close to running out. But if you'd like to contribute to the education of our southern neighbours with "Only in Canada" turns of phrase, please email your suggestions to me. God knows, after 8 years of Bush, they could use our help.

Cheers, Big Ears,

Tara Canucklehead

New Jeans

I bought some new jeans last week. I like the buttons on the front. I think they're cool.
The first day I wore them, I met a friend for coffee and then took the bus home. By the time I was off the bus, I really, really had to pee, but I still had to walk 9 blocks. Ooh aah ee, ooh aah iiee, ooh aah ee....
I walked really fast, but by the time I got home, I was doing the Pee Pee Dance at Whirling Dervish speed. Ooh aah ee, oh my god, ooh aah ee, oh my god......
I rushed into the bathroom, and looked down. ACK! WHICH BUTTONS WERE REAL, AND WHICH WERE FAKE? I did not know how to open my pants!!!!!!!

A couple more bouncy bounces, and made a snap decision..... Luckily the demin is stretchy, as I just ripped 'em down, over my hips.
Whew.